If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
