The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
