Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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