I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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