Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
