Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Blood and glitter go together right?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
