I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
