Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
