She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
