I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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