At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
