Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
