You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
