Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i think my tv is drunk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
