i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
