I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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