Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
third nipple confirmed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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