No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
