i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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