omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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