if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
