I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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