why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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