just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
