There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients