Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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