Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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