I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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