The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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