Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Randomize
