her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
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I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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