Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There's a naked man in my car right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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