I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
