the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
