Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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