im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
