Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
