I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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