you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
