I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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