There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
