We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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