There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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