i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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