So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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