cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
