can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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