I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
