I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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