meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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