I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
