Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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