I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
