Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
