She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
