Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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