If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
