I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
