life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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