Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
