So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
