He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
