i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
