Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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