After last night, I could never be a politician.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
