glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
A+ Viking dick
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
