I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
