I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.