Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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