he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.