i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
