I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just pee around me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
